journey Archives - Wandering Dawn

It’s March, and somehow I’m already 7 months into this adventure on the road! Wow. While each day feels much longer than it does at home & time passes much slower, I still find it hard to believe that I’ve been wandering about for so long. This post was written in between breaks at my Spanish language school, volunteering with kids, and laying in my bed at my Nicaraguan family homestay. I am so happy to have a home for a month and to take a break from the backpacker life for a bit. It has been very grounding.

Throwback to month 1 in Quito, Ecuador

I feel compelled to write and share my experiences about a beautiful thing that occurred recently. Something that gave me a huge feeling of relief.

I recently wrote a guest blog post for Oiselle that went live on their site last week. When I saw that they had tagged me on Facebook announcing the post, my stomach dropped and I got VERY nervous. I had been waiting for this moment with much anticipation because I didn’t know how the public would receive me. The article contains very personal details about my life. I talk about my divorce and my unconventional decision to quit my job and travel for an unspecified amount of time. Granted, this wasn’t the first time I went public with my story, but it is still hard for me to talk about the past. I am still recovering from this difficult period in my life, and I’d be lying if I said I’ve healed completely. (If only it were that easy!) My heart needs time, and time is what I am going to give it. Needless to say, a huge weight was lifted when I started to receive nothing but positive feedback from family, friends new and old, the Oiselle community, and complete strangers. Some said they had been through similar situations. Others gave uplifting words of encouragement. Some even said they were inspired! I was filled with joy all day, and I am still riding the high of speaking my truth.

Speaking the truth can be slightly terrifying. I have always been a perfectionist at heart and scared of failure, particularly when it comes to not meeting the expectations of others. (People pleaser much?) I wanted a perfect education, a perfect job, and a perfect happily ever after. To admit that my relationship wasn’t perfect…that my job wasn’t perfect…that these things weren’t bringing me joy, and that I am no where near perfect….well, that was difficult to do in the beginning. I was afraid to admit to things that I considered to be “failures.” Divorce felt like a dirty word and admittedly I still hate to use it, regardless of how it all went down. Reflecting on these fears, I realize that no one is perfect, so why should I ever expect perfection from myself and from my relationships? I shouldn’t. Life doesn’t work that way, and the actions of others cannot be controlled. Life is filled with ups and downs and learning moments. It’s full of messy times and blissful moments in time. It’s full of love and loss. It is a grand journey to be celebrated each and every day, and it can be whatever we want to make of it. (If you’ve always wanted to do something, set out to go do it!) This fresh outlook on life is something that I am learning to embrace. I definitely wasn’t this insightful before I went through something that made me question everything I knew to be true.

And now, a few words of advice:
As I reflect on all I’ve learned, I also wonder…Have you ever kept a part of your life a secret for fear of looking a certain way or for fear of being perceived in a negative light? Have you ever had to keep secrets for others or felt like you were living a double life? Do you ever see someone on social media and think they have a “perfect life” with a “perfect family” and a “perfect body?” First, remember that no one is perfect. (I actually appreciate finding authentic brands and people on social media more and more!) Second, if there is anything in your life that is causing you stress or anxiety because you are keeping it all inside, I highly encourage you to reach out and speak with someone. It doesn’t need to be in a public forum like a blog. It can be to a close friend, family member, or completely neutral therapist. Writing down your feelings in a private journal is another helpful exercise. Just let it gooooo (“libre soy! libre soyyy!”) and observe what happens when you do. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised, and soon enough, you might find yourself speaking your truth with more and more people until you slowly begin to recover, take action, and heal.

I feel so free in this moment. I am free because I have nothing to hide. Nothing to keep inside. This new phase of my life is about learning from the past, not worrying about the future, embracing where I am in this moment, and staying true to myself with each decision I make. I’ve started to come up with some ideas of what I want to do next, and I can’t wait to see what doors start to open. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!

“The comeback is always stronger than the setback.” – Unknown

Parque Tayrona, Colombia

It’s time to get real. I’ve been on the road for six and a half months. That’s a long time to be without a home, let alone my own room. I started off full of energy and ready to move to a new place at any given moment. No one could stop me! In the last 200 days, I’ve made my way from southern Ecuador to the beaches of Nicaragua. While I’ve traveled “slowly” compared to other backpackers (many will do all of South America in just 6 months!), I’ve still seen A LOT. I’ve been to countless cities in 5 countries. And I am tired. At about 5 months in, I started to crave spending more time in any one place. My travel pace slowed, and I found myself spending 1-3 weeks in spots instead of 3-5 days.

During my time on the road, I’ve had a variety of sleeping situations, some of them comical and nearly all of them shared. I’ve only had my own room once! For some reason that realization is stunning…Perhaps because sharing a common space has become my new normal? I’ve slept in bunk beds, on mattresses, in hammocks, in tents, at new friend’s houses, on tiny islands, in jungles, in cities, on buses, in boats, you name it. Maybe I’ll write an entire post on it one day because oh the stories I could tell! (Confessions of a cargo ship bunker…)

Winner for windiest hammock sleep of my life

I’ve been fortunate to have many visitors since Christmas, and that has had two effects on me. 1. It’s reinvigorating because I get to share my stories with people who really know me, and I get to see how they are doing IRL. 2. It makes me homesick. It feels like so much has changed since I’ve been gone, but in reality, I know that things will be mostly “the same” when I get back to San Diego. Thinking about everything that has unfolded and all that I could be missing out on (my sister’s pregnancy and soon to be new niece, friends’ pregnancies and babies, showers, birthdays, new homes, new loves, new jobs, new illnesses) gives me some pause. I know all of these things will still be there in one form or another when I return, but I still hate to miss important milestones.

Still, I know my time on the road is not done. While I can technically return home tomorrow or next week, I am not ready yet. I am tired, yes. But I know this is just a phase in the grander scheme of things. I am tired of constantly being on the move, so I’ve slowed down quite a bit. I am tired of party hostels, so I’ve slept in tranquil hippy environments. I am tired of answering the same questions over and over again (Where are you from? How long are you traveling for? Where are you going? Where have you been?) So, I am going to make a change.

“One day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.” Paulo Coelho

I am going to stay with a Nicaraguan family for 1 month beginning Feb 14. (Happy V-Day to ME!) It will be my first homestay since Madrid 2004, and I am so excited! In fact, dare I say, I’m invigorated? The program is through La Mariposa language school, a nonprofit with an eco-focus, and it sounds right up my alley. In addition to spending time with my Nicaraguan family, I will have 20 hours of private Spanish lessons per week, and 20 hours of volunteering within the community. (Maybe I’ll work with kids again!?) I’ll be eating traditional Nicaraguan fare grown within the community, and…you may have guessed it…I will have my OWN ROOM! : ) I do not care how basic it is. It will be tiny and beautiful and all mine!

The BEST hammocks are from the Caribbean coast of Colombia

One of the reasons I selected Latin America for my travels was for the hope of becoming fluent (or casi) in Spanish. I would love to use both English and Spanish in a job one day. Spending weeks in backpacker hostels speaking English with others from around the world hasn’t helped my case, so I have to go out of my way to use my Spanish with the locals and with Spanish-speaking travelers. (I’m sure that sounds weird given that I’ve been in Spanish-speaking countries!) I hope to speak very minimal English during my homestay and go full immersion. I’d like to leave with a better understanding of the Nicaraguan culture, a country I am so in love with. (It’s my second time here!)

Ometepe Island, Nicaragua

So, even though I am tired, I am still curious. I want to know what life is really like in Nicaragua. I want to explore north of Nicaragua, an uncharted territory for me. I want to make it to Mexico City and visit my dear friends from grad school. I want to walk across the border from Tijuana to San Diego with a feeling of YES. This part of my journey is complete, and I am fulfilled. I may be tired, but my travels are not over – yet.

What are your thoughts? What do you do when you’re feeling tired of something?

Speaking the truth (and feeling free!)

Why I’m Tired of Traveling (for now)